“Life is a process of becoming. A combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” ~Anais Nin

A few words from Mastin Kipp:

Love is an action, a choice. Love is not really an emotion.

To Love someone is to choose to show up to be devoted to The Divine through that person.

So often in life these days we think that Love is easy or that Love only feels good, but that is not the full extent of what Love is – especially relationship Love.

People think that relationship Love is something that must mask your true feelings, it must always be a euphoric high of some kind or that Love must be a trade.

But that’s not what Love is.

Love is a constant offering to serve to the Heart of the person you are in a relationship with. Love is a constant surrendering of your protective ego, so that the Heart can open even more and show you the unknown beauty of its depths.

Love transcends language, religion and belief systems. Love is the deepest gift that we could ever be given by someone and it’s the greatest gift that we could ever give ourselves.

Love is not a trade. Love is not a power trip. Love is not some grandiose expression of infatuation. Love is a humble and subtle power that guides us to grow into titans of giving.

Love asks us to see beyond the fear of our partner, to dive deeper than their ego would want us to and to not leave, even when all that is triggering us wants us to run.

Love shows up when fear is present and asks for more… Love is bigger, Love is brighter, Love is more powerful than any other force in the Uni-verse, because at the core of every cell in the Uni-verse is the deep yearning and desire to Love and be Loved.

Love does not march in with pomp and circumstance. Love whispers. Love silently beckons us to get over ourselves so that we can see the beauty that lay within us and every other sacred soul.

We were not sent to judge, for judgment is just a request for Love. We were sent to Love the parts of ourselves and the world that lack it. We were sent to be the Love in the seeming void of Love.

We, indeed, are the answer. No one is coming, for we have already come.

Our job is to wake up to Love and then be it.

Our job is to Love.

"How you think about a problem is more important than the problem itself - so always think positively." 

"Believe it is possible to solve your problem. Tremendous things happen to the believer. So believe the answer will come. It will."- Norman Vincent Peale, best-selling author of "The Power of Positive Thinking".

"The thing always happens that you really believe in, and the belief in a thing makes it happen." - Frank Lloyd Wright, was an American architect, interior designer, writer and educator, who designed more than 1,000 projects, which resulted in more than 500 completed works.

"Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take." - Anthony Robbins, is a best-selling author and speaker.

"Be the kind of person you would like to be with. Some people come into our lives, make footprints on our hearts and we are never the same. People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges." - Joseph F. Newton

"Successful relationships are built upon the foundation of bringing committed love to the table every day, communicating your feelings, receiving your partner's feelings and setting healthy boundaries to maintain a sense of independence within the relationship. This allows for love to be given and received, proper adjustments to be made if the line of communication gets fuzzy and still gives each of you the freedom to be yourself and bring forth your unique creative expression.

This combination will manifest the strongest and healthiest relationships in your life.

And remember, the purpose of relationships is to be happy, to learn and to CO-create a life together." - Jackson Kiddard, author & polymath.

I wish you knew

i wish you knew....

-how everything taste like nothing in my mouth

-how i want to spend most days under a desk or covers

-how i haven't been sleeping at nights

-how the sleeping pills i've been taking haven't been working

-how i hate when you text me things that make you miss me

-how i spend half the time wishing you would call and the other half wishing you didn't

-how i hate when you call me in the middle of the night

-how i spend most of the days struggling not to cry

-how i try not to make people feel sorry for me mostly because i'm sad alot

-how i've seriously wish i was never born right now

-how i wish i had never met you

-how i know you really don't miss me even though you say you do

-how i wished my heart would stop hurting

-how much weight i've lost because of all of this

-how i can't stand to look at myself anymore

yeah i wish you knew and every single time i tell you. you don't listen.

you can't hear me crying

you can't see the tears in my tears

you can't see my heart shatter on the floor

you can't hear me screaming

If it's so bad why can't I walk away

I really need to be more diligent with this blog so I don't feel like all the days are dying in my head.

January 17, 2013

I know I shouldn't have but I did. I called Justin and we went to dinner at this restaurant near the mall called Eggs and Things. It serves breakfast all day! Things were going about as well as things go for us. It was a pleasant enough meal until Jon started texting me at the end of dinner. I go to answer him and Justin gets pissed. It's not like he wasn't texting someone while we were chilling together. Yes, I know it's rude, but sometimes there are things that need to be answered. I drive him home and he's super upset that I'm texting someone new and that I won't tell him. I think it doesn't matter because I'm in the moment and he tries to justify it by saying that I'm trying to get with someone. I hate the fact that he's mad and can't really explain why. Stressed and annoyed I can't deal. I call Ty and ask him for advice and he gives me some good advice aside from the fact that I'm still talking to him. I also call Sugi to ask him for advice and he gives me some also sound advice. I guess that settles it. Did I mention that Jon also got pissed over text that we hadn't hung out yet? We hadn't even met in person and he's already being over dramatic I'm getting so over it.

January 18, 2013

I get a call at 3 in the morning from Justin saying please come lay with me and I'm sorry for being such a prick and the only reason I'm jealous is because I'm small. I drove out to him and the door is locked and I knock on both doors and call him a bunch of times. Irritated I drive home and get caught speeding, but thankfully the cop buys my story about coming from work and tells me not to speed on the way home. Get up later that day to drive to work and call Justin to ask what's up. He answers and says that he feels like shit for not answering the door and that I should have tried harder to wake him up...i don't know about that. I tell him that there's a Miyazaki film being shown at work that night and that's where I'll be. He apologizes again and tells me that he'll try and make it. I figure he'll bail like he always does, so it falls into the if he comes he comes, if he doesn't he doesn't. I work through the day and then cut pineapple for that night. Dang, I lost my skills for cutting pineapple perhaps I need to go visit Dole Plantation and get a refresher course. While, I'm cutting pineapple my phone starts ringing because Justin calls. I call him back and he actually says that he's actually coming but he'll be late. If he comes he comes. Brandi comes after class and we sit in my office for a hot second and I tell her about my almost speeding ticket before my boss demands that we be social with the special guests that come that night. We go and be social and then the mixer starts. Troy comes to the event too and I'm a bit surprised he showed after the incident at STIR. We don't talk much during the event, but he told my boss and some other people that he was here because a friend invited him. Justin actually showed up and was apologetic about earlier today as well as coming late. He then proceeds to talk to people which I'm happy to see that he's being social and keeping in touch with people since he hasn't been around. I sit  by Brandi and we're chatting for a bit while she colors. I grab food and sit back down and the Justin comes and sits by me and Troy ends up sitting across the room. Watch the film I doze for a bit and there's birthday cake for 2 people in the room and trivia questions. Then I'm cleaning up and people offer to help, while my boss talks about the movie a bit. I'm washing dishes and Justin's offers to bag the leftovers on the table. As usual Troy can't just jump in, but needs to be told where to help. Everyone cleans up and then Troy leaves and I say bye. I offer Brandi a ride home and Justin asks for a ride as well. It's a pretty silent short ride to the dorms and there Justin jumps in the front seat. As we're leaving he starts asking me about Troy. Seriously, boy?!? Why does it matter? We hook up because that's how it goes and we're lying there for half a second before his roommate walks in the door and then it's bye. His roommates know but are decent enough not to say anything....they have their own drama.

January 19, 2013

Since I got home pretty late and was gonna try and sleep in, but Brandi and I promised to meet up and go to Dave & Busters in the afternoonish. I pick her up when Jon texts demanding that we hang out that night which I'm okay with until he can't make definite plans. Brandi and I hang at Dave & Busters and win a bunch of tickets but don't take anything home. We go for Menchie's after and we talk about Troy, Justin, Jon, and Sean. It was a weird day. Go by the mall walk around check on Justin but don't let him see him. Don't get anything at the mall which is good. Go home watch a ton of Netflix and then pass out, but not before Justin calls me and we chat for a bit before I go back to sleep.

January 20, 2013

Get up early and head to Mililani for a car wash. Go to church and then wash cars where I get soaking wet and feel almost like a waste of time because we didn't advertise well and only made $300. Go to McDonald's with the crew for lunch and then go to try find frozen raspberries for smoothies. Walk into 2 stores before buying things and while I'm there Justin calls and we chat for a bit. Get home pass out for a bit before Wendy calls and tells me to come out to Dave & Buster's because its her friend's gf birthday. I decide to go out because I'm off the next day and could use a chill night out. Takes forever to get there cause there's an accident. Finally get there and find them order food. It's a chill night although I do tell Wendy what happened on Friday. Boys causing drama is no bueno. Wendy's friend Brian is cute but that's not going to happen. The Kahai character is also cute, but apparently he's in a long distance relationship. Hang out win tickets cash in, but don't walk out with a prize. Call Justin and he doesn't answer for a bit. Intend on going home, but then he calls and we attempt to meet up but playing let's find Justin and then hookup. Another one of those nights where we're lying there for half a second before his roommate walks in again. It's not weird.

January 21, 2013

Meet up with Wendy cause her roommate is leaving the island after living for a couple of months (military), so we do a circle island tour starting near her house at the Byodo-In temple. Stop in Waipio for gas take forever in Wahiawa and finally end up in Haliewa. We visit a few shops in town and then head toward the shrimp trucks. We end up eating at Fumis cause the line was short, but Wendy still likes Romys better. We end up rushing back to the house because Wendy get a text from her brother saying that the convection oven she's been eyeing for a while. It was a quick ride and we're back at her place. We watch about 10 minutes of MI: Ghost Protocol and then she's off to drop her roommate off at the airport and then to dinner. I'm headed home to relax and finish MI. It's going to be a wild week at work.

January 22, 2013

Yes, it's a going to be a wild week at work. There's a camp meeting and I remember taping with Wayde but I honestly don't remember much else about the day except that Justin called a bunch toward the end of the meeting and said that he was headed home to sleep. Oh and we grabbed lunch at this chicken katsu place in Shirokiya and it tasted like crap.

January 23, 2013

Yesterday was pretty chill but busy. There was a strategic planning meeting with Glenn and then working on stuff and planning on Cleanup for Sunday. Can't believe that's its already Xgames weekend. Have a long trip at Costco and call Justin to chat later. After Costco and picking up things at kmart I'm working on a haul for youtube. Have dinner with the 'rents and then try to relax. I finally call Justin and ask to come over in the morning.

January 24, 2013

Woke up drove to Justin's and it was okay for a bit. Then there was drama and let's just say I really shouldn't talk about it. It's bad, so bad. I get to work and try to focus , but can't really. End up going to see Justin during my lunch and try to apologize and it doesn't work out so well. Still mad and he decided that we shouldn't do anything anymore. We'll see how it goes, but right now we're not speaking. I comfort Brandi through a tough time and is having a chill night. My mom still decides to express her opinion on my love life...um no just no.

I'll try and write more tomorrow...

Why can't I?

January 14, 2013

The 'rents were suppose to get home on Sunday but they got delayed in Vegas :( Spending time at your house because you have crazy neighbors is never a good thing. I call Justin at 2 because he didn't call back, we talk. Wait an hour and then I get a text asking to come over. I come over and hang for a bit. Get caught by his roommate, who since he's dealing with his own issues doesn't say anything. I leave for work and have a busy day. Head home because I have crazy neighbors and have a boring night at home. The 'rents get home and all is well on the home front. Although they are pissed at Hawaiian Airlines at the moment.

January 15, 2013

ehhh....Another busy day. I still don't get why he calls me. He calls me in the morning to apologize for getting blasted the night before. Heavy day at work followed by a not so great night meeting. Boom and just like that after being good I'm having a skin break out and craving pizza. Sucks! Make plans to spend a lunch tomorrow with Wendy and catch up. And fall asleep I'm avoiding the world until next week.

January 16, 2013

Get called at 3am I don't think so on my holiday. Wake up and drive to Wendy's to grab lunch. Get attacked by her dogs who happen to apparently love me. We decide to go to Heeia Kea Pier and General Store. Ummm...I'm dying cause it is so beautiful. Love driving to Kaneohe and being there. So untouched. We are waiting for our food when I go to check Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park from Hawaii 5-O. I was a little star struck , but was totally normal around them. I told Wendy that Justin & I split up and she was overjoyed. I also related to her bits and pieces of the story with Justin and his roommates. It's true they do cause too much drama in life. The rest of the day was super chill and I have definitely been glad for it.

Write again soon.

Daily blog in January

January 13,2013

Yes, I know I was suppose to blog yesterday about yesterday but yet again this is another combined post. So yesterday, I get woken up at 6 in the morning by Justin telling me to come pick him up since him and one of his roommates got into a fight. Yes, I actually hopped out of bed in my pjs put on my contacts and drove to pick him up. I would have driven faster but hell I was still a bit asleep and didn't want to crash. I find him at 630 in the morning at a gas station crying. I ask if he wanted to talk about what happened he says no but says that even though I may judge him for running away from a fight there were things that were said that should also be said sober if they are true. I decided to drive around town for a bit and told him that I need coffee if we were going to continue any further. I picked up coffee and a bagel in Kahala and he continued to sleep in the car. I took the opportunity to make the drive to Sandys to watch the sunrise since I rarely get to just sit on the beach and watch the sunrise. It was beautiful beyond words and watching the waves crash into the beach is so calming and makes me feel so small at the same time. I drove back toward the city and stopped at a random lookout point where to take in the view. A stranger chatted me up for a while and told me that Life is too short for people to be mad and in fights. It's so true you know! I got back to town and dropped Justin off, he was still tired and groggy as hell, but I wanted to get some chores done and get a bit of sleep before heading back out.

I called Justin later to see if he wanted lunch and to check on him. We grabbed lunch from a food truck and went to a park to eat. He still is really good to me even though we aren't together. He finally tells me what happened between him and his roommate, which I won't share on here. It's a much bigger story that it's really worth. I didn't know what to say there's really nothing to say to someone who doesn't want to believe the truth. We go back to his place and hang for a bit before his other roommate comes home. They talk about the crazy fest from the night before and yes we're all on the same page. His roommate has taken the crazy train to no goodvile and needs to objectively look at things. I left soon after that because there are things in life that you can't put off. I decided to spend a quiet evening at home because seriously that was way too much drama for one day.

Today, Sunday: was a super chill day. I cleaned the house, went on a few errands, got caught in traffic and was having a pretty chill evening until my mom called. I've been house sitting for my 'rents all weekend long and they were suppose to be back tonight. My mom called to say that the plane broke and from what she knew that they at least wouldn't be back until possibly tomorrow but even that was uncertain. I feel lonely right now, but at least this weekend I know I can make it on my own and survive. Accomplished task today doing laundry in my parents energy efficient washer.

Be back tomorrow I think.